I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
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me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Lmao 🤣
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.