You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.