My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
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More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.