*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
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[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.