do u think theres a butter planet?
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.