You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
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Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat