[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
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Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Noted.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.