16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
And then there were 4
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast