I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
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Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I have a new favorite meme page
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
This could’ve been an email.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.