[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
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I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
also my go-to takeaway order
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Breaking news:
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
They’re the worst 😩
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.