i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
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*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.