Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.