ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
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Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god