Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse