After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
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A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
This is not me but this is me