Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
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“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My blood type is coffee.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.