Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
You Might Also Like
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.