Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
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[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time