My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
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My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon