Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
water it, i dare you
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.