You Might Also Like
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Sell your car
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She鈥檒l be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
ME: I鈥檝e fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you鈥檙e terrible at this.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 馃槀
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
My wife鈥檚 favorite position is where I鈥檓 bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Skills
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
NEW ROOMMATE: What鈥檚 mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho