Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
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During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Watermelon Boss!
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to