I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
You Might Also Like
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask