Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.