Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
You Might Also Like
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Mornin
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Become a minion. Get that bread.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.