76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
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Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.