I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
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Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now