whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Europe. Made in Germany.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.