Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
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Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
this came to me in a vision
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing