[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
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ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.