Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
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Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I am never leaving this website
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)