hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
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Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit