[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
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Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!