“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
house sitting!
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
May have had one breakfast too many
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.