They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
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me after eating Cheetos
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad