they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
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My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time