Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
wish me luck lads
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?