Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Banana is the quietest snack
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My dog learned how to text
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.