My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
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Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
The glockness monster
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out