WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
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Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.