[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
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Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Sing it!