My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
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You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!