growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Not recommended for beginners.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird