My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
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Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.