Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
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good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay