my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*