2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
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That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.