Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse