*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
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I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
December birthdays be like…
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?