Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
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Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk